| Female
43.Happily married. Two gorgeous kids.Teacher Aid and loving it.Just need somewhere to go blah without fear of recrimination and critisism.Highly stressed and probably a little nurotic but trying hard not to be. There u hv it. My life in a nutshell
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Jun 23 2007
The most defining moment of my life.
About 5 or 6 years ago I did a course called 'WOMAN TO WOMAN' The brochure said something about dealing with anger, anxiety, deppression and low self esteem issues among many others. I nearly didn't go because alot of the teachings were from the bible and I have my own beliefs I didn't want to get caught up in any 'repent now or be doomed" stuff. I don't want to sound direspecful. I have always respected other religions and cultures but have never found any reason to stray from my own beleifs, there have been times in my life when that was all i had and my beliefs were what got me through.
I think I went because I needed to know that there were woman out there who were worse off then I could tell myself to pull my head in, there were people out there with bigger problems then mine so what was my problem. Also, deep down I knew I was desperate and needed help where ever it came from and I really didn't have much to lose. I remember feeling as though I had come to a fork in the road one way was to start facing reality and seriously deal with my issues....the the other way was to continue to go the way I was and lose everything that was good in my life. My family, My sanity and maybe even my life. Well I said I was desperate.
What I learned from that course set me on what I now refer to as My journey. It was the point when I stopped accepting the perception I had of myself and started to not only ask why but actually seek the answers. I had been running away from alot of my past not only because it was unpleasant but also because i knew that I had bought alot of it about.
there was alot of shame, guilt and regret in my life and I just didn't know how much of it was my doing and how much other factors in my past contributed to the constant turmoil that was my life. It was time to take stock.
I was pretty much humbled by the woman on the course. They made me realise how real my issues were.
In no way could I come away thinking that these poor unfortunatates were worse off than I was. In fact I was right there where they were and in some ways I was worse off. I still choke when I remember listening to them not because I felt sorry for them but because their story was mine in lots of ways. For about the first four weeks I couldn't speak without choking up and would leave before them because ther was no way I could even say goodbye without wanting to burst into tears. But I listened and did the excercises with the focus and energy I didn't even realise i had at that time.
And then on the 5th week I shared. I'm not going into detail and I probably won't ever go into detail. Through the whole thing I looked at the floor unable to look at anyone. when I was finished I fully expected to see the shame and guilt I had felt all these years reflected in the faces of my listeners but when i looked it wasn't there. it wasn't in them and even more suprisingly it wasn't in me.
It was a really powerful moment and even now it's hard to explain what it was I was feeling. It was a kind of realease. I felt clean for the first time in my life. That what had happened to me was totally out of my control and in the hands of somebody who was supposed to look after me. That"s what I saw in the faces and response of the others. I have never felt so connected to anyone than I did at that moment. Not even my own family.
I was exhausted after my 'sharing', and pretty much avoided everyone when I got home pleading a head ache and heading for bed. I slept a bit and when I woke up I felt kind of ...new. That's the only way I can describe it.
I could finally see a light at the end of the tunnel even though there was still a long way to go. But I could feel things changing. For a start I could talk again without choking up and I could see things differently. I'm probably not explaining myself very well here. I can say that my head and heart became clearer and although I had a lot of work to do I knew My Journey had begun. The first thing I did was find a counceller I think you call them therapists in America. Again I don't want to go into too much detail. Suffice it to say she started it off by taking me back to the childhood i had been runniing away from all my life. She helped me to see it through different eyes, to find the child I was and take care of her. Since then I have found the child I was And bought her out of the dark room she was hiding in and into the world she belongs in. Now I 'm not afraid to go back. In fact My childhood is the first place I go when I realise i am struggling. Anyway enough about that. Maybe I"ll talk more about it later.
On the last day of the course in front of everyone the lady taking the course said something to me i will never forget. I can't remember it word for word but it went something like this...
"I want to to throw you something in...it's your choice you can either let it go or you can take it and run with it.
I sense a strength in you. I think You Have always had it and you can take it or leave it but if you take it you will be just fine but it's your choice." That is what I now call the most defining moment of my life
I Know this sounds a bit melodramatic. But I know now I owe my life to those Woman. Where I was then was a culmination of what my lffe had been. Where I am now is because of them.
I think I went because I needed to know that there were woman out there who were worse off then I could tell myself to pull my head in, there were people out there with bigger problems then mine so what was my problem. Also, deep down I knew I was desperate and needed help where ever it came from and I really didn't have much to lose. I remember feeling as though I had come to a fork in the road one way was to start facing reality and seriously deal with my issues....the the other way was to continue to go the way I was and lose everything that was good in my life. My family, My sanity and maybe even my life. Well I said I was desperate.
What I learned from that course set me on what I now refer to as My journey. It was the point when I stopped accepting the perception I had of myself and started to not only ask why but actually seek the answers. I had been running away from alot of my past not only because it was unpleasant but also because i knew that I had bought alot of it about.
there was alot of shame, guilt and regret in my life and I just didn't know how much of it was my doing and how much other factors in my past contributed to the constant turmoil that was my life. It was time to take stock.
I was pretty much humbled by the woman on the course. They made me realise how real my issues were.
In no way could I come away thinking that these poor unfortunatates were worse off than I was. In fact I was right there where they were and in some ways I was worse off. I still choke when I remember listening to them not because I felt sorry for them but because their story was mine in lots of ways. For about the first four weeks I couldn't speak without choking up and would leave before them because ther was no way I could even say goodbye without wanting to burst into tears. But I listened and did the excercises with the focus and energy I didn't even realise i had at that time.
And then on the 5th week I shared. I'm not going into detail and I probably won't ever go into detail. Through the whole thing I looked at the floor unable to look at anyone. when I was finished I fully expected to see the shame and guilt I had felt all these years reflected in the faces of my listeners but when i looked it wasn't there. it wasn't in them and even more suprisingly it wasn't in me.
It was a really powerful moment and even now it's hard to explain what it was I was feeling. It was a kind of realease. I felt clean for the first time in my life. That what had happened to me was totally out of my control and in the hands of somebody who was supposed to look after me. That"s what I saw in the faces and response of the others. I have never felt so connected to anyone than I did at that moment. Not even my own family.
I was exhausted after my 'sharing', and pretty much avoided everyone when I got home pleading a head ache and heading for bed. I slept a bit and when I woke up I felt kind of ...new. That's the only way I can describe it.
I could finally see a light at the end of the tunnel even though there was still a long way to go. But I could feel things changing. For a start I could talk again without choking up and I could see things differently. I'm probably not explaining myself very well here. I can say that my head and heart became clearer and although I had a lot of work to do I knew My Journey had begun. The first thing I did was find a counceller I think you call them therapists in America. Again I don't want to go into too much detail. Suffice it to say she started it off by taking me back to the childhood i had been runniing away from all my life. She helped me to see it through different eyes, to find the child I was and take care of her. Since then I have found the child I was And bought her out of the dark room she was hiding in and into the world she belongs in. Now I 'm not afraid to go back. In fact My childhood is the first place I go when I realise i am struggling. Anyway enough about that. Maybe I"ll talk more about it later.
On the last day of the course in front of everyone the lady taking the course said something to me i will never forget. I can't remember it word for word but it went something like this...
"I want to to throw you something in...it's your choice you can either let it go or you can take it and run with it.
I sense a strength in you. I think You Have always had it and you can take it or leave it but if you take it you will be just fine but it's your choice." That is what I now call the most defining moment of my life
I Know this sounds a bit melodramatic. But I know now I owe my life to those Woman. Where I was then was a culmination of what my lffe had been. Where I am now is because of them.
Jun 17 2007
You're on your way girl.
What a great week. A bit of a culmination of the train wreck that has b een the last three or four weeks. Finally the road is smoothing out a little.
Finally getting my boy on board a little. He is starting to comply a little more and we are not tussling with each other as much. I am happy to say no meltdowns this week just a little head butting now and then. We are both a lot calmer and happier. We have even done some work and this week I thought I might try playing a game. Some autistic children do not understand the concept of taking turns and don't like to share equipment etc but i thought I would introduce a game of snakes and ladders Since he is keen on animals and loves snakes, and see what he does with it.
A couple of bad bingeing episodes this week. Friday again, starting to notice a pattern here.
Fridays.
Really tired because I am starting to wind down for the weekend. My energy just goes i don't know where but boy I'm lucky if I can get off the couch to change the channel! Any how After a really good day. you know, a good breakfast, crustless quiche and salad for lunc and a couple of corn thins and some fruit for afternoon tea. 4 pm rolls around and I'm not that hungry but the kids are making snacks. I was tired a bit irratable as well come to think of it, I thought i would make a packet of microwave popcorn for everyone,cut a long story short ... ate the whole thing and followed it with some chocolate bisciuts. Cooked some chicken for tea but was too lazy too prepare anything to go with it so the kids weren't interested and had noodles guess who ate 6 bits of chicken, you guessed it. Went to bed feeling with a wicked case of imdegestion asking myself WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING!!!
Apart from that and a breakfast from the garage this morning it has been quite a good week though. Now for the good stuff.
After applying for an extension on my paper i managed to complete one assignment on the other one and I have nearly finished the second assgnment today so I should be caught up after the school holidays!!!
I am studying for my Teachers Aide Certificate. I have to finish eight papers within the year and each paper has two assignments. A bit of a challenge for me but I just feel it's time to push myself a little. I'll get there.
I have arranged for my mother to take the kids over the school holidays (which happen in two weeks time) for a couple of weeks so I can just focus on the rest of my studying and even get in a litle 'ME' time. Nothing fancy just some gardening, a bit more excersicing and whatever else happens to come to mind as long as it doesn't cost money.
I did my walking and felt better for it of course. Realised how cold it has gotten, time to put the tank tops away and get out my sweatshirts. not short of workout clothes though it is all i can wear at the moment.I'm making progress on my water intake although i do still forget.I remember at night time and try to make up for it.Then I am getting up about four times a night to go wees.
I hesitantly stood on the scales on saturday and i am pleased to say that i lost 400 grams last week. Not sure how many ounces that is. I was relieved more than anything but I did pat myself on the back. I must remember to celebrate the successes no matter how small. I am on my way.
<i>SO THIS WEEK
Carry on with the water.
Let's throw in a yoga session this week as well as my free walks. Or maybe a Latino workout. That's a grea way to get warm.
Friday night. The kids will make burrittos for tea and I will supervise from the couch with a glass of wine and try not to move in and take over.
Oh yes I introduced fruit to my diet this week think I will work on keeping that up.
Reflecting on the times that I did oops up a little I think i need to come up with a couple of delays tactics to stop mm from going back to the kitchen to eat when I am not hungry. so this week-;
WHEN I AM HEADED TO THE KITCHEN FOR MORE FOOD, AND I AM NOT EVEN HUNGRY I WILL GRAB A GLASS OF WATER AND GO BACK TO THE COUCH. IF I STILL GO BACK IWILL NOT GRAB FOOD. I WILL START THE DISHES OR CLEAN OUT A CUPBOARD. GOODNESS KNOWS THEY NEED IT!!!!!
I feel a little more motivated this week after my small achievements. I am more confident, and that funny little blue fuzzy man on my shoulder which is my low self esteem (I'll tell you about him another day.) has lost a bit of a foot hold. Next week he may actually slip off a little.
Finally getting my boy on board a little. He is starting to comply a little more and we are not tussling with each other as much. I am happy to say no meltdowns this week just a little head butting now and then. We are both a lot calmer and happier. We have even done some work and this week I thought I might try playing a game. Some autistic children do not understand the concept of taking turns and don't like to share equipment etc but i thought I would introduce a game of snakes and ladders Since he is keen on animals and loves snakes, and see what he does with it.
A couple of bad bingeing episodes this week. Friday again, starting to notice a pattern here.
Fridays.
Really tired because I am starting to wind down for the weekend. My energy just goes i don't know where but boy I'm lucky if I can get off the couch to change the channel! Any how After a really good day. you know, a good breakfast, crustless quiche and salad for lunc and a couple of corn thins and some fruit for afternoon tea. 4 pm rolls around and I'm not that hungry but the kids are making snacks. I was tired a bit irratable as well come to think of it, I thought i would make a packet of microwave popcorn for everyone,cut a long story short ... ate the whole thing and followed it with some chocolate bisciuts. Cooked some chicken for tea but was too lazy too prepare anything to go with it so the kids weren't interested and had noodles guess who ate 6 bits of chicken, you guessed it. Went to bed feeling with a wicked case of imdegestion asking myself WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING!!!
Apart from that and a breakfast from the garage this morning it has been quite a good week though. Now for the good stuff.
After applying for an extension on my paper i managed to complete one assignment on the other one and I have nearly finished the second assgnment today so I should be caught up after the school holidays!!!
I am studying for my Teachers Aide Certificate. I have to finish eight papers within the year and each paper has two assignments. A bit of a challenge for me but I just feel it's time to push myself a little. I'll get there.
I have arranged for my mother to take the kids over the school holidays (which happen in two weeks time) for a couple of weeks so I can just focus on the rest of my studying and even get in a litle 'ME' time. Nothing fancy just some gardening, a bit more excersicing and whatever else happens to come to mind as long as it doesn't cost money.
I did my walking and felt better for it of course. Realised how cold it has gotten, time to put the tank tops away and get out my sweatshirts. not short of workout clothes though it is all i can wear at the moment.I'm making progress on my water intake although i do still forget.I remember at night time and try to make up for it.Then I am getting up about four times a night to go wees.
I hesitantly stood on the scales on saturday and i am pleased to say that i lost 400 grams last week. Not sure how many ounces that is. I was relieved more than anything but I did pat myself on the back. I must remember to celebrate the successes no matter how small. I am on my way.
<i>SO THIS WEEK
Carry on with the water.
Let's throw in a yoga session this week as well as my free walks. Or maybe a Latino workout. That's a grea way to get warm.
Friday night. The kids will make burrittos for tea and I will supervise from the couch with a glass of wine and try not to move in and take over.
Oh yes I introduced fruit to my diet this week think I will work on keeping that up.
Reflecting on the times that I did oops up a little I think i need to come up with a couple of delays tactics to stop mm from going back to the kitchen to eat when I am not hungry. so this week-;
WHEN I AM HEADED TO THE KITCHEN FOR MORE FOOD, AND I AM NOT EVEN HUNGRY I WILL GRAB A GLASS OF WATER AND GO BACK TO THE COUCH. IF I STILL GO BACK IWILL NOT GRAB FOOD. I WILL START THE DISHES OR CLEAN OUT A CUPBOARD. GOODNESS KNOWS THEY NEED IT!!!!!
I feel a little more motivated this week after my small achievements. I am more confident, and that funny little blue fuzzy man on my shoulder which is my low self esteem (I'll tell you about him another day.) has lost a bit of a foot hold. Next week he may actually slip off a little.
Jun 10 2007
Yes, well......
Stood on the scales yesterday. 84 kgs. I think that's about 168 pounds which makes me 20 kg or 40pound overweight. Man I have never been this big before. Of course looking back on last weeks posting i felt even worse since I still haven't started the excersise program or even thouight about the crap i'mn shoving into my face.
So now what?
Well what did I do this week?
Got some study done and I have almost finished one of my assignments.
Did a lot of work on my austistic boy's IEP and sorted out his learning area.
Had a visit from my best friend from my old town. (we drank wine and had fish n chips.)
Had a major clean up including my junk food filled fridge. (all junk food has been chucked or dispersed to where I can't see it)
That's the stuff on top of my usual duties I think most of my energy this week has gone to my autistic boy, we have had a few meltdowns this week. It makes me think actually, when my kids used to tantrum. I would pick them up wherever we were and we would just head home and deal with it there. By the time they grew too big to pick up, the tantrums were't an issue anymore, not so easy with autistic children.. anyway, i digress. MY job is using alot of my energy really perhaps I should be finding ways to deal with this. I kind of thought that the walks with the dog would help to wind myself down. Perhaps on bad days I should walk the dog when I have finished school and everybody in the family are doing there own thing. I could still do the other stuff when
they are home like the housework maybe.
So. The plan has to be flexible I guess. The stuff I have done this week has been a kind of step towards my goal.
Where does that put me now...
The course that takes me away from home one day a week is finished.
The last litte cleaning job i had to find 2 hours a week for is no longer my problem.
My week now has a regular flow i could almost do the same thing everyday.(I know this may sound mind bogglingly boring to some of you but for now it really is what I need.)
So. What is stopping me from progressing rigth now?
I'm still so so so tired. Had a real problem sleeping this week. One night I got two hours broken sleep for the whole night and at the end of the weekend I still haven't caught up. I woke up thinking about something I had to for my autistic boy (I am going to call him 'my boy') and that was it no more sleep for me.
I really do think I haven't drank enough fluids this week.I know this could be valid because On Friday I was so thirsty I drank about 2 litres of sugar (flavoured milk, enegy drinks and coke) as fast as i could get it in without choking. That would be another reason for being so tired. So is that I'm TIRED? Doh, how obvious was that. Tired and maybe a little stressed I guess.
Bloody pmt again. Need I say more?
So. Again. Now what?
I guess my goal for this week are -:
Two litres of water or herbal tea a day. NO sugar drinks
To achieve this I need to carry my bottle around. Have one in my car and one in the classroom in case I leave it somewhere. Try to measure how much i am drinking oh, one coffee a day, after my breaskfast, to be followed with a large glass of water. If that doesn't get the wees going I don't know what will.
Bed Young Lady! 9.30pm.
Which means showering after tea. Maybe whille the kids are doing the dishes then I don't have to listen to them argue. I have found all my pampery stuff, body lotions, a really yummy face mask I haven't used yet, hand creams, all sorts of yummy stuff. I will choose one every night to apply while I am watching t.v so that means my study definatley has to be done in the afternoon. By the time bedtime arrives i will be wound down, sleepy and ready for bed.
Try to take at least 3 walks this week
This should be more achievable now since Im also needing a de stressor to help me wind down from work and less pressure than every day. Who knows, maybe my mood will improve and I'll want to do more. It has happened.
I also need to focus less on the bad days with my boy and try to celebrate the successes, however small and we do have them every day. I think I'll even list them on my journal. That will make it even more real.
I want to end this with an extra helping og hope and I can't think of anything better to write but my new mantra.
DON'T GIVE UP.
DON'T GIVE IN.
BUT MOST OF ALL.......DON'T MISS OUT.
So now what?
Well what did I do this week?
Got some study done and I have almost finished one of my assignments.
Did a lot of work on my austistic boy's IEP and sorted out his learning area.
Had a visit from my best friend from my old town. (we drank wine and had fish n chips.)
Had a major clean up including my junk food filled fridge. (all junk food has been chucked or dispersed to where I can't see it)
That's the stuff on top of my usual duties I think most of my energy this week has gone to my autistic boy, we have had a few meltdowns this week. It makes me think actually, when my kids used to tantrum. I would pick them up wherever we were and we would just head home and deal with it there. By the time they grew too big to pick up, the tantrums were't an issue anymore, not so easy with autistic children.. anyway, i digress. MY job is using alot of my energy really perhaps I should be finding ways to deal with this. I kind of thought that the walks with the dog would help to wind myself down. Perhaps on bad days I should walk the dog when I have finished school and everybody in the family are doing there own thing. I could still do the other stuff when
they are home like the housework maybe.
So. The plan has to be flexible I guess. The stuff I have done this week has been a kind of step towards my goal.
Where does that put me now...
The course that takes me away from home one day a week is finished.
The last litte cleaning job i had to find 2 hours a week for is no longer my problem.
My week now has a regular flow i could almost do the same thing everyday.(I know this may sound mind bogglingly boring to some of you but for now it really is what I need.)
So. What is stopping me from progressing rigth now?
I'm still so so so tired. Had a real problem sleeping this week. One night I got two hours broken sleep for the whole night and at the end of the weekend I still haven't caught up. I woke up thinking about something I had to for my autistic boy (I am going to call him 'my boy') and that was it no more sleep for me.
I really do think I haven't drank enough fluids this week.I know this could be valid because On Friday I was so thirsty I drank about 2 litres of sugar (flavoured milk, enegy drinks and coke) as fast as i could get it in without choking. That would be another reason for being so tired. So is that I'm TIRED? Doh, how obvious was that. Tired and maybe a little stressed I guess.
Bloody pmt again. Need I say more?
So. Again. Now what?
I guess my goal for this week are -:
Two litres of water or herbal tea a day. NO sugar drinks
To achieve this I need to carry my bottle around. Have one in my car and one in the classroom in case I leave it somewhere. Try to measure how much i am drinking oh, one coffee a day, after my breaskfast, to be followed with a large glass of water. If that doesn't get the wees going I don't know what will.
Bed Young Lady! 9.30pm.
Which means showering after tea. Maybe whille the kids are doing the dishes then I don't have to listen to them argue. I have found all my pampery stuff, body lotions, a really yummy face mask I haven't used yet, hand creams, all sorts of yummy stuff. I will choose one every night to apply while I am watching t.v so that means my study definatley has to be done in the afternoon. By the time bedtime arrives i will be wound down, sleepy and ready for bed.
Try to take at least 3 walks this week
This should be more achievable now since Im also needing a de stressor to help me wind down from work and less pressure than every day. Who knows, maybe my mood will improve and I'll want to do more. It has happened.
I also need to focus less on the bad days with my boy and try to celebrate the successes, however small and we do have them every day. I think I'll even list them on my journal. That will make it even more real.
I want to end this with an extra helping og hope and I can't think of anything better to write but my new mantra.
DON'T GIVE UP.
DON'T GIVE IN.
BUT MOST OF ALL.......DON'T MISS OUT.
Jun 4 2007
Big and gettin' bigger.
Well here I am at the end of 3 day weekend. Got a lot of rest, a little recreation, and even a few jobs done. My sons bedroom has the first coat of plaster and the first stage of aq mezzanine floor. My husband is pretty good with a hammer but of course he prefers power tools.
I decided to clean our room today. I couldn't understand why I didn't have any drawer space and I ended up clearing a whole lot of clothes away.
Why did i clear them out?
Because they didn't fit me anymore.
They were clothes I was wearing this summer, skirts shorts sumer tops. Clothes that I was almost fitting into just a a couple of inches before I could wear them comfortably.Then there were the the clothes I was wearing last summer. Clothes that used to turn my husbands head, that my friends used to admire (I love bright colours), Clothes that made me feel like a female. At the end of it I was left with a few pairs of tracksuit pants, t shirts and oversize sweatshirts.
Away they all went into plastic bag then into storage along with the other clothes that don't fit me anymore.
I HAVE been here before. in fact it happens every 6 months or so. I get my excersise programs up and running start to watch the food I'm eating and every thing goes well for a week or two. This summer I managed to excersice at least 4 times a week and I was starting to make progress. Then I started school again and just got too busy to re organise my excersise program and started to grab food on the run again then of course because I am not eating properly and not drinking enough fluids, I started to feel crappy again and so the spiral starts again.
I come right eventually but every time i come out of one of those spirals I'm about 1 kilo heavier and my waist is at least another inch bigger.
My Biggest worry is my belly, not because it looks like the tummy of a 6 month pregnant woman, but because I know that I am a great target for a heart attack, stroke or even diabetes.
And of course that just causes more stress. In my moments of clarity I realise what I'm doing to myself and I know what has to happen to pull myself out of it. But How many more chances do I really have? How many more times will I get to this point. When am I finally going to get on track and just stay there?
Any way I put the clothes away thinking maybe i should just take them to the salvation army and buy myself some nice 'bigger' clothes. then I had what I can only describe as an epiphany (is that how it's spelt?)
How great would it be if i went through all these again clothes this summer and they not only fit but some of them were actually too big. For some reason I felt like I had been given yet another chance.
I figured it gave me six months to make better choices and re introduce the the strategies that have worked for me one or two at a time.
Of course the doubt and pending sense of failure immediatly stepped and said "forget it. YOU KNOW it ain't gonna happen" Then another epipahany.
Through all these false starts and failed efforts, I have actually discovered a few things about my self and know why I fail. I think it all comes back to my lack of self confidence and my ability to succeed at this goal. Whatever.
What I want to focus on now is my first two changes.
My days are more structured I have just dropped my last 'on the side job' (I used to hv 4) and my son now walks home from school by himself and that means i don't have to stop what I am doing to go and get him at 3. SO.
If I am in bed by at least 10 pm, I think I can do a yoga session at 7.00am every morning. I have already been walking the dog at about 4pm for the last 4 days and i can't see any reason why I can't carry that on. That also gives me time to study and do the housework before everyone gets home. YAY That's my first step.
Okay here I go again wish me luck guys.......
I decided to clean our room today. I couldn't understand why I didn't have any drawer space and I ended up clearing a whole lot of clothes away.
Why did i clear them out?
Because they didn't fit me anymore.
They were clothes I was wearing this summer, skirts shorts sumer tops. Clothes that I was almost fitting into just a a couple of inches before I could wear them comfortably.Then there were the the clothes I was wearing last summer. Clothes that used to turn my husbands head, that my friends used to admire (I love bright colours), Clothes that made me feel like a female. At the end of it I was left with a few pairs of tracksuit pants, t shirts and oversize sweatshirts.
Away they all went into plastic bag then into storage along with the other clothes that don't fit me anymore.
I HAVE been here before. in fact it happens every 6 months or so. I get my excersise programs up and running start to watch the food I'm eating and every thing goes well for a week or two. This summer I managed to excersice at least 4 times a week and I was starting to make progress. Then I started school again and just got too busy to re organise my excersise program and started to grab food on the run again then of course because I am not eating properly and not drinking enough fluids, I started to feel crappy again and so the spiral starts again.
I come right eventually but every time i come out of one of those spirals I'm about 1 kilo heavier and my waist is at least another inch bigger.
My Biggest worry is my belly, not because it looks like the tummy of a 6 month pregnant woman, but because I know that I am a great target for a heart attack, stroke or even diabetes.
And of course that just causes more stress. In my moments of clarity I realise what I'm doing to myself and I know what has to happen to pull myself out of it. But How many more chances do I really have? How many more times will I get to this point. When am I finally going to get on track and just stay there?
Any way I put the clothes away thinking maybe i should just take them to the salvation army and buy myself some nice 'bigger' clothes. then I had what I can only describe as an epiphany (is that how it's spelt?)
How great would it be if i went through all these again clothes this summer and they not only fit but some of them were actually too big. For some reason I felt like I had been given yet another chance.
I figured it gave me six months to make better choices and re introduce the the strategies that have worked for me one or two at a time.
Of course the doubt and pending sense of failure immediatly stepped and said "forget it. YOU KNOW it ain't gonna happen" Then another epipahany.
Through all these false starts and failed efforts, I have actually discovered a few things about my self and know why I fail. I think it all comes back to my lack of self confidence and my ability to succeed at this goal. Whatever.
What I want to focus on now is my first two changes.
My days are more structured I have just dropped my last 'on the side job' (I used to hv 4) and my son now walks home from school by himself and that means i don't have to stop what I am doing to go and get him at 3. SO.
If I am in bed by at least 10 pm, I think I can do a yoga session at 7.00am every morning. I have already been walking the dog at about 4pm for the last 4 days and i can't see any reason why I can't carry that on. That also gives me time to study and do the housework before everyone gets home. YAY That's my first step.
Okay here I go again wish me luck guys.......
